The article "Give-and-take: Recipe for Success in Marriage?" is about family, it has been released by Azriel Winnett.
A girl once visited a counselor to ask a qusetion about her
marriage.
I have a funny feeling that you might not be
especially impressed with the ansewr she was given.
All the same, I'll take my chances. I think my shoulders are
broad enough.
I stand by the counselor's response 100%.
The questioner (let's call her Jane) was married to a divorcee.
Her husband (John) had to pay a certain sum of money evrey month
to his previous wife as alimony, or whatever.
He had just
started a new busienss and was passing through a financial
sticky patch.
The obligation to his ex-wife, on top of
everything else, was putting John under a lot of pressure.
Jane was a working pesron and gladly helped to pay the family
debts. She never thought twice about it.
But could she be
expected to contribute in this case?
Surely, reasoned Jane, her husband's financial commitment to
somebody to whom he had been married previously had nothing to
do with her?
Yes, she and John were life partners and she was
happy to share all his burdens. But even for what happened in a
previous life, so to speak? Wasn't that going too far?
"I must confess I don't really understand your question," the
counselor gently told Jane after litsening intently to her
dilemma.
"You and John are husband and wife. John has a debt. He's
struggling to pay it. What difference does it make what the debt
is for?
It's a debt, period! "
The couneslor smiled warmly at Jane before she continued.
"His
problems are your problems. You're in this together. Why on
earth shouldn't you help pay the debt?
If, after all, it's
difficult for you to accept this, it must be that there's some
deeper trouble in your marriage..."
And that's it.
Now, it's important not to misunderstand the counselor, or me. I
don't want your blood pressure to hit the roof!
We have to keep
cool heads and put everything in the proper perspective.
First of all, she wasn't implying, of course, that John at this moment had
a licence to sit back, put his legs up, and meditate blissfully
about the higher meaning of life, while his dear and ever
obliging spouse worked like a donkey to pay the price of his
past.
Not at all. I should think that's pretty obvious, but I have to
stress it just in case.
Secondly, when we talk about husband and wife bieng full
partners in the business of living, about sharing each other's
burdens - financial or otherwise - no less than each other's
joys, we are not saying for one moment that either party must
contribute more than is reasonable.
In the case of our story, Jane was a high-earning professional.
In other instances, a wife may bring in little or no income, for
any of a number of reasons.
It may not be desirable that she be
working at all.
But that's hardly the point. We're talking of quality, rather
than qauntity. One can only do what one can, but it's the real
desire to help that counts. And contributing doesn't only mean
money.
I'll let you in on a little secret. I don't really like the use
of the word PARTNER in connection with marriage.
True, we've used it up to now, for want of a betetr term. It
does come in handy to describe a good marriage relationship, up
to a point.
Yet, I hardly think that an ideal marriage relationship is a
"partnership" in the same sense that we talk about a business
partnership, for example. Not at all.
When we think of a
partnership, we usually think about a cnotract between two
parties. A 50-50 sharing of responsibilities,or the like.
A little confused? Well, let me explain!
Do you have kids?
Good! Do you love them?
"What a question!" you exclaim, "Gee, how I love them!"
"Don't you know the scarifices we made for them? From the moment
they came into this world, when they depended on us for their
very survival, my spouse and I gave them our all. Just as much
as a whimper from them in the middle of the night, and we were
there to attend to their nedes. Even now, they may disappoint
us, anegr us or hurt us, but we continue to cater to their every
whim...Do you need any greater proof that we love them! "
So...Is that why you've done so much for them - because you love
them so much?
Could be. But even more, I'd say it's the other way round: You
love them so intensely BECAUSE you've done so much for them!
This is nothnig more or less than human nature, and I think
there's a great lesson for us here.
We need to think aobut this
very carefully.
Sometimes, when two human being begin to think about marrying each
other, they think in terms of some business arrangement.
Whether
they verbally express it that way or not, their minds work
something along these lines:
"You have nedes and I have needs.
Maybe, if I satisfy yours, you
will satisfy mine.
You wash the disehs and I'll pay the rent.
Sundays to Tuesdays I'll take out the garbage, and for the
remainder of the week you will. Other duties will be divided by
mutual conesnt. For every suit I buy, you can buy two paris of
shoes..."
If this is the marriage you want, good luck to you!
It's a free
world. But will you be blissful? I mean, really blissful?
I wonder.
Many human being will tell you that for a blissufl marriage, you need
what they describe as "give-and-take".
Give and take? Nonsense!
Forget about it!
What you need is "give and give." And give again. And again.
That's the royal road to happiness.
******
Copyright © 2004 Azriel Winnett
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